Do you choose to focus on the flower or the stone?

written 12.10.07

"I can't seem to settle in again to my regular American life. I feel a little bit broken. I feel home sick. Home sick for Africa. And home sick for Jesus. I felt him there in Kibera in a way I haven't before. And something about coming back to my comfortable life makes me feel like I am betraying all the friends I met there..." (from my friend Desiree's blog)

4 months have passed since I've returned from Nairobi. The entire time I was there I found it impossible to remember not to use the water when I was brushing my teeth (even with the threat of irregular bowl movements). Here at home every morning and night, I stop myself. I stare and I'm sickened by the unlimited supply of fresh water at my disposal.

I try to make sense of how God gave me so much...

Judith, Peter, Nicholas, Anne, Martha, Jamie, Kevin, Paul and so many others faces appear in my mind. I witnessed their hardships, their pain. Yet at the same time, I fell in love with their faith, their beauty, their laughter, their simple way of life.
But my most disturbing emotion was... jealousy. How in all of their difficulties, do they have the ability to find joy? And yet that contentment seems to escape me.

They do not curse God because they didn't find a parking space. They do not curse God because of the "taste less" food being served at the dinning hall. They do not curse God because they did not get playing time in a game.

My brothers and sisters are joyful, thankful, grateful people...when I am not. They choose to embrace the beauty and joy of the flower. They overcome the coldness, the hardness of the massive stone. How can that be? Why do I not focus on the beauty?

God will you please allow me to love you like they do. Help me to be more like them. Help the world to be more like them.